Christmas and the store

Christmas is getting closer. I can feel it. And it makes me so happy I can't even express it. Sometimes I go to the mall and walk around for hours just to look at the Christmas decorations. The Christmas trees, the fake presents, Santa's toy store, all the Christmas cookies and drinks at Starbucks...I mean, what says Christmas more than that?

And as I'm strolling the isles in the toy stores, I am actually surprised by how much stuff is out there. Every single toy on the shelf is calling my name making me feel like a bad mother for not immediately buying them for Emma. And they have a very clever way of advertising their stuff too. They point out all the potential positive benefits of having them, and of course, as a parent, you agree. You want your children to do well in life and be happy. And I don't know about you, but I grew up with the idea of more is better. I never really had a lot of toys when I was a child. Or at least, that's how I felt back then. My friends always had more toys then I did, and I felt like I was deprived or less fortunate. Today I know of course that I had plenty of toys and things, and that I was too spoiled to recognize that I was actually very fortunate. Still, somehow a little residue of that feeling of not having enough as a child is still inside of me. And that feeling is what makes me raid the toy store every chance I get to make sure that Emma always has toys and stuff around her to make her feel happy. I want her to know that she is loved.

And believe me. I know how it sounds. Toys and things won't make a difference in the end and she will know that I love her no matter what. I still wants what is best for her, and since I buy into this whole idea around the holidays that she really needs more toys to be smart, successful, and happy, guess what's going to happen? Yep. More toys. Actually, Christmas is all about giving for me. I love to see everyone's faces when they open their presents. I love that feeling. I can just live on that high for months. I can't wait for Emma to be old enough to appreciate gifts and believe in Santa. I will do the whole cookie and milk thing and having Santa over on Christmas eve. It will just be fantastic. I am pretty sure she will be freaked out by Santa this year, but who isn't at that age? That's part of Christmas too. She will learn to love him like all other kids do.

I actually wish I had my store now. How cool would it be to buy a bunch of stuff for the store and start making well-deserved kids even happier? I can't wait. Also, I will naturally only get stuff that I like myself and that Emma plays with, of course. She will be my guinea pig in a way. I actually think that is the best way of going about this. You need to have someone try it out, and if they like it you have a good thing. I don't want to fall into the trap of getting something that I think look pretty or that I like. It has to pass the test of Emma. She is hilarious. She really is a good tester for these kinds of things. I know within minutes of she likes a toy or certain clothes. And that's good. It's guidance and I'll take it. I have done some more research now, and I even have my logo done. It's beautiful and I love it. It's exactly what I wanted. Next step is to do my business cards and start saving to buy the products.

I am actually looking for non-profit organizations and other companies that are interested in helping out a minority who is starting a new business. If any of you know a good place to apply for business grants, please let me know. Any help will be much appreciated. The sooner I start my dream the better...:0). Choosing a good hosting company is also a task and a hard one at that. I want to go with someone that is reliable and offers good support as well as has reasonable prices. I have been advised godaddy.com and joker.com. I need one that offers a shopping cart as my store will be entirely online.

Well, that's pretty much what has been occupying my time the last week or so. Christmas and the store :0). I have had other wonderful, beautiful, and absolutely amazing things happen, but I will leave that for another time and another post. In general, I am absolutely in love with my life and my family. I wake up every day feeling tired and slow to start the day. But the minute I walk into Emma's room and look at her smiling face I melt. There just isn't anything that can ever top that. And that's actually what makes me want to go to bed at night too. That feeling of being totally in love and know that someone loves me too...whole-heartedly and unconditionally.

Baby's best friend

Today I had a play date with a friend of mine and her daughter who is 9 months old. It was a joy to see them interact with each other. You can't really say that they are playing at that age because they are just sitting next to each other stealing each other's toys. However, they seem to have a lot of fun doing it. Mia and Emma are only 4 weeks apart, but they are so different. Seeing Emma play with her friend made me think about how it was when I first joined my playgroup here in the Bay Area. Emma was the biggest baby there, but she was behind on a lot of things like crawling, sitting up right, standing up, etc. Most of the babies in that group were doing a lot of stuff that Emma was no way near of doing. This prompted me to visit her doctor to make sure that Emma was doing OK developmentally.

Emma's doctor must have thought I was nuts, but she patiently listened to my concerns and explained that babies develop at different rates and that is perfectly normal. Of course I knew this already, and I am sure she must get tons of these visits every week. It got me wondering, though, if I am doomed to a life of worries. Am I a normal mom with normal every day worries, or am I being overprotective?

I think it is perfectly normal to worry about your baby and wanting to make sure she or he is doing well. And I also think it is perfectly normal to compare your baby to other babies because you need some kind of ongoing reassurance that she or he in deed are OK. I also think it can get a little tricky if your baby is being compared to every single baby out there because, let's face it, babies are different. And they in deed develop very differently. It wasn't until I stopped comparing Emma to all her friends that I truly started enjoying all her progresses.

Before I wanted her to start crawling faster and sit up faster by herself because "all the other kids can." When I finally let go of the need to compare her to everyone else, I interestingly enough started enjoying her steps as well as her missteps more. Emma is her own person. She shows me that every day. And the more I think about it the more I am convinced. Emma is her own person with her own unique abilities and strengths. She learns things in her own way at her own speed, and I need to celebrate her uniqueness instead of worrying so much. She will be fine, and today showed me that. I guess in the end a healthy dose of worry is in order, but don't forget to throw in a lot of fun and laughter in the mix as well.

True love...

I have noticed lately that it's not as easy to write when I am not inspired to write. Some days I just wake up feeling like crap. I don't know if it's a mother thing or just plain Jenny-thing, but today wasn't my favorite day of the year....

I was actually pretty excited about today. I knew Emma was going to the doctor's to get her shot, and I was going to my new hair stylist to do highlights, so the day was looking up. However, as soon as I opened my eyes, I just knew it wasn't going to be one of those days where I am jumping up and down with joy. I don't know if it's the weather, or the time change, or something else lurking. I just didn't feel up for anything. Emma hasn't made anything easier either. She just got her upper two teeth and is crankier than the crankiest at the moment. Nothing is fun for her and she's very fussy. On top of it all, we had a doctor appointment to get her 2nd dose of the flu shot. Emma's doctor is always busy and it's hard to get an appointment with her, so when one opened up I just grabbed it. Of course, it was right smack in the middle of Emma nap, so she didn't get her usual morning nap. And when she skips that one, she is usually in a pretty bad mood all day long....

Perhaps the day wasn't that bad after all. I am probably just in a foul mood today and take it out on poor Emma. It has to be ok, though. Some days you are just not feeling it, am I right? It's probably due to the lack of sleep. Emma has been waking several times in the middle of the night lately, and it is starting to wear me down. I can just feel how tired I am all the time. Yawning like crazy and I constantly feel too tired to even play with Emma. Starbucks has made a fortune out of me lately, so I guess it's good in somebody's eyes :0)....

Oh well, all days can't be good, I assume. As a mother, sometimes I feel like my days are controlled by the amount of naps Emma takes. If she skips any I know it's coming back to bite me in the butt. Pretty much my whole life evolves around Emma's naps and feeding schedule. Every time I make plans for something or someone, I have to do it in between Emma's naps but also make sure she eats before I leave the house. If she doesn't eat she gets cranky if whatever I am doing takes too long. So, basically I have a window of an hour or two where I can do things. Try to go to the bank, run to the post office, do grocery shopping, and get gas for the car in less that an hour. Not possible. Hence, there must be planning involved.

At the end of the day, though, when I am sitting here on my couch watching TV and blogging, I still feel like the luckiest person alive. Even though I have my moments when I am tired, grumpy, and overall in a bad mood, there's nothing that brightens up my day like a hug from Emma. And she knows exactly how to do it to make me feel special and happy again. It is true what they say. Children know how you feel. And I have started to notice how in tuned Emma has become of my mood. When I am moody and not in the mood to play, she becomes extra clingy and demanding. Almost like she knows that I need some cheering up. Even though her method of giving it to me is questionable, she still gets the point across. Mommy is sad so I need to give her love. And well, let's face it, nothing says love more than a 10-months old baby hanging on to your neck for dear life...

And I can feel it now. Even sitting here writing about my day that was anything but great -Emma has the best effect on me. I just need to think about her and see her in front of me and my lips start moving up. They simply can't help themselves. Even on the worst of days, bad plus bad always equal smile. That's how lucky I am.

She is indeed her mother's daughter, and to prove it I have a picture of us from Halloween. As I shared before, she was a ladybug and a real cutie at that too.

With love from us. Until next time...

Halloween

It's Halloween on Saturday, and it will be Emma's first Halloween. I have been searching high and low for the perfect Halloween costume for her, but I haven't been able to find the "right" one. There are a million to choose from, and to be honest, most of them are cute and adorable. Especially for girls you can find tons of princess outfits and characters from Disney movies. And I did buy a princess one first. It was pink and cute and all that. And somehow it didn't feel like Emma. I thought I wanted to dress her up as a princess, but now that I have the outfit I don't like it anymore.

So, yesterday I went to Target in search for something for her to wear on Saturday. To my surprise, they had a lot of costumes left. Both for adults as well as children. Right away my eyes fell on this adorable red and black lady bug costume. It was simply the cutest thing I have ever seen. It was a black dress with a red and black doted skirt. It came with wings and a head band and I just knew right away that I had to buy it. This was Emma for sure.

When I finally got home after lots of shopping (of course, while at Target you can't settle for just one thing and be on your way. There is always something else you really need...), I tried the lady bug costume on. It was for toddles from 12 months to 18 months so I thought it would fit. It just barely fit, and either Emma is a very big baby or they make these costumes for very small children. Either way, I need to get her a bigger size. So, it's back to Target today. Hopefully I will be able to stay on my mission and not get sidetracked with all the other things calling my name down the isles...

I'll post pictures of Emma later in her costume. I really hope that they have a larger size for her. And I hope we will have great weather on Saturday too. I would hate to have to cancel due to rain or bad weather. If we do have bad weather, we can always stay inside and just have fun at the house. I means there will be lots of adults too, and the kids can play while the parents hang out. It will be good. I am so curious to see how Emma does on her first Halloween. This is what I love about being mom and having a family. All these firsts and seconds and thirds with Emma that allow me to enjoy everyday of her life because there is always something going on. Something new to witness and take part of. Soon enough she will start walking, then it's preschool, regular school, dance shows, soccer practice, horse back riding, and everything else she will do. It will be amazing, and I can't wait. I really think this is what life is all about - having a family that makes you complete. Yep, I am happy. Life is good on this side of the world...:0)

One of those days...

The past few weeks have been very busy, and I find myself not having enough time to do what I set myself out to do. It's crazy around here with Emma's schedule, work, doctor appointments, gates ordering, lunch, dinner, grocery shopping, and everything else in between. I thought I had everything under control and felt pretty good about my somewhat organized life. Then Emma decided to start crawling and boom - end of freedom as I knew it.

Don't get my wrong. I love it. I love seeing Emma grow and progress and develop new skills. In fact, it is a cheer joy to see her figure new stuff out and then attempt to do them. She has been on her way to crawl for the longest time and then about a month ago she just took off. Now she is a real pro at crawling and decided last week that it was time to do something more daring and dangerous. I mean, why settle for crawling when you can stand up and walk between furniture? That way is much more fun plus I get to see mommy sweat while trying to catch me before I fall and hit the new and very hard hardwood floor....

Emma is definitely learning to test her limits. She understands "no," but has decided that it is more fun to despite me and go for all the things she's not allowed to do. Like crawling up to the fireplace and touch the very hot cover glass. Or crawl over to the stereo and pull out all of my favorite Cd's and DVDs. Or touch all the cords she can find in the entire house. Yep, she is becoming her own and it is a total delight. Of course, it makes it so much harder for me to do things when I constantly have to be next to her to prevent disaster from happening. Hence the beginning of my blog where I was starting to explain the infrequency of my blogs these days....

I always knew that this day would come. Emma would grow older and become more demanding. It is a given and every parent has to go through it. She is 10 months now, or will be tomorrow (Happy 10-month birthday, Angel!), and I am trying to figure out how to keep a semi normal life. Since I am now working between 3 and 6pm every day, it is imperative that Emma sleeps during those hours so I can work. Lately, she has not been sleeping much in the morning so she is very tired in early afternoon around 1pm or so. But since I work at 3pm and need her to nap then, I have to keep her up until that time. And that my friend is no easy task. She is cranky as ever, not wanting to eat or drink, and definitely not up for playing. My day in a nutshell. I do everything around her schedule because I truly believe that her routines are very important. I want her to have a sense of stability, and napping and keeping a somewhat regular schedule can help with that.

Although I am enjoying Emma's new found set of skills, I am also painfully aware of the fact that this situation is not getting better. It's actually getting worse. She's only crawling now. What will happen when she starts walking and running???? Crazy, crazy thought. Fortunately, my husband and I ordered gates for the stairs so we don't have to worry about her taking a head dive down the stairs anytime soon. That's a plus. Another plus is that while my husband is all of a sudden traveling every week leaving all the chores and household duties to me, he is home every weekend and do a lot of stuff around the house and spend time with Emma then. That allows me some time to regain some energy and focus on me for a bit. I like that.

Overall, it is a scary time ahead of us as Emma is getting more and more demanding, and everything is getting harder and harder to do. Sometimes I wonder what I got myself into because it sometimes feels as if the responsibilities are getting too heavy...too much. But of course in the midst of all the loud noise and poopy diapers I see Emma and love instantly fills my heart. She is simply adorable and her love for life is so contagious. I am the first to admit I am not the perfect parent I wanted to be before I got pregnant. Far from it. I have my days. Some days are better than others, but what I have learned is that it is ok to make mistakes and screw up sometimes. We all do. Moms are not perfect and we can't do it all. Sometimes we need help and it is ok to ask for it. It is also ok to admit when some things become too much. I praise my friends every day as they are always there for me supporting me and cheering me on through the tough parts.

I used to have this image of myself as a mom. I was perfect, the house was perfect and nothing would get to me. I would work, play with Emma, and just hang out. Reality looks a little differently. And I learned that the hard way. But we are good, Emma and I. We are bonding and learning from each other. And I like to think that all the stuff that I don't get to do like the laundry and making the bed are things that don't really matter in the end. Emma won't remember the laundry or anything else about the house. Hopefully she will remember her childhood as fun and exciting. As being loved and cared for by supportive parents. I guess thinking about those things from time to time is never a bad idea. We need to vent and air our verbal laundry as well. What I took away from today's busy day was the thought of appreciation in spite of challenges. It's so easy to get lost among the baby food jars and who's turn it is to change the poopy diaper, but when you are giving it your all and at the end of the day you can look yourself in the mirror and say: "Hey, today was a good day and tomorrow will be even better" then I guess you are not doing so bad after all...

Closing doors...

Last Friday I went to the movies with an old friend. As always after the movie we end up talking about the movie, life, and everything in between. It's great with friends like that. We can spend hours talking about life, the future, the past, the good, the hard, and everything else that's on our mind at the moment. Tonight especially I realized something important about myself...

Things at home have just kind of been going on their own for a while now, and I sometimes feel as if I am just tagging a long for the ride. Sometimes I wake up feeling like there's a couple of weeks missing of my life. Like I somehow "lost" them or something. Have you ever felt like that? Of course they were never "lost" but rather pushed back into the back of my conscious where I don't automatically think of them and where I can pull them from memory whenever I need them. My friend and I were talking about those weeks. It is pretty interesting how things tend to get monotone, or the same, after a while. When your in your daily routines, you might not even think about what you are doing because it is the same everyday. Breakfast in the morning, coffee, changing diapers, morning nap, shower, errands, lunch, afternoon nap, work....you get the picture.

Life seems to slip you by and all of a sudden you wake up 5 years later wondering where life went. The "lost" time is always there, of course. You just are not consciously aware of it. It gets coded in your memory and you know you were there and created it, but somehow it feels lost because you actually didn't live it... I have talked about this before - living in the present. And I think it is worth mentioning again. My friend and I discussed how fast time has passed this year. Emma is almost 10 months and going on a year. So much has happened since she was born. I have changed a lot too. I am a mother now. Making different choices and having different priorities now. I have closed many doors on the past. Lost some friends and gained some new ones. Changed jobs. Moved from one house to another. From one city to another...

As we go through life we close many doors. Some are voluntary and some are not. Living in the present and staying true to your goals and dreams are natural ways of closing doors to the past. We all make choices based on the probability of gaining more happiness and freedom. We want to evolve and make things better...easier. And in order to do that, sometimes we have to let other things go. Like friends. Or hobbies. Or old selves. I had a little realization as my friend and I talked about letting things go and being ok with that. Sometimes you have to let some things go in order to make room for new things in your life. And that is ok. Being a mom means I have less time for myself. And I think that is ok. I want to spend time with Emma. As much as I can, in fact. I don't like being away from her. And that means that I don't have as much time to go to the gym, for example. And that's a choice. I sometimes miss my old carefree life where I could go to the movies whenever I wanted or go to the gym right after work. Today I have to consider Emma in all my choices, and that can feel a little daunting at first. What ever happened to me?

Well, I am still here. I am just choosing differently for myself. And as much as I appreciate the freedom to do whatever I want whenever I want, I wouldn't trade my place for anything. Because I am different now, and I am still in control of my life and my future. So, even though it feels as if I've closed the doors on many things from my past lately, and I sometimes feel sentimental about it and miss my old life, I am ok with that. Because I know that changing is a part of life, and I know from experience that when one door closes there's always another one that opens...

Fall

So, yesterday we had both an earthquake and a storm. Talk about adventure in the suburbia. Our house shook for a moment, but it wasn't too bad. It is kind of scary how much we have grown accustomed to the quakes in this area. When I first moved here, I was too afraid to leave the bed after an earthquake. Now I just shake my shoulders and say: "It wasn't bigger than a 4." Can you imagine a world where we just get used to things like that happen? I guess we are kind of already there in a way. We all talk about the earthquakes and the storms like they are big things, but we also tend to forget about them as soon as they have passed...


When the first storm of the season arrives, it usually marks the beginning of fall. Just last week we had 80 degrees plus, then the storm came and brought down the temperature. Now it is up again to around 70's or so. Not too shabby for mid October, if I may say so. But fall is definitely here, and I can tell that Emma really likes this kind of weather. She has the biggest smile on her face when we are outside, and she keeps talking to the wind, as if "they" are big friends already. I have a Halloween outfit picked out for her, she is going to be a Disney princess (so cute), and we've already made plans to go over to our play date friend's house and spend Halloween there. I am not really sure how you go trick or treating with a 10 month old, but I am sure it will be fun. The adults will probably bake cute Halloween cookies and make some traditional Holiday feast. Either way, it will be fun because it will be Emma's first, and I can't wait to see her in her dress.

This year has been so many firsts that I get overwhelmed sometimes. It is so exciting to see her grow and develop in all her areas. Her newest thing she has learned is to give kisses. If I ask her if mommy can have a kiss, she leans towards me with an open mouth and kiss me on my lips. Soooo adorable. She hasn't quite got the part where she is supposed to close her mouth before the kiss, but she will get there eventually :0). She is just the cutest in the way she is giving a way kisses from left to right these days. It is memories like this you want to keep inside forever...


Both my husband and I felt we needed to get out of the house after work today, and what better place to go to when it is cold outside and rain is hanging in the air than Starbucks? It felt great to be outside and feel the cool breeze and then snuggle up inside your favorite coffee place. Emma had her Cheerios and we had our lattes. Life felt pretty complete, I must say. When we got back home, we turned on the TV to Comedy Wednesday, lit the fireplace, and spend the rest of the evening laughing.

Here's a picture of my little princess in her favorite summer dress last week. I guess it was the last time she will ever wear it, so I wanted to make the memory last. Isn't she super cute?

Hope you guys are enjoying fall as well.

Until next time....