Christmas and the store

Christmas is getting closer. I can feel it. And it makes me so happy I can't even express it. Sometimes I go to the mall and walk around for hours just to look at the Christmas decorations. The Christmas trees, the fake presents, Santa's toy store, all the Christmas cookies and drinks at Starbucks...I mean, what says Christmas more than that?

And as I'm strolling the isles in the toy stores, I am actually surprised by how much stuff is out there. Every single toy on the shelf is calling my name making me feel like a bad mother for not immediately buying them for Emma. And they have a very clever way of advertising their stuff too. They point out all the potential positive benefits of having them, and of course, as a parent, you agree. You want your children to do well in life and be happy. And I don't know about you, but I grew up with the idea of more is better. I never really had a lot of toys when I was a child. Or at least, that's how I felt back then. My friends always had more toys then I did, and I felt like I was deprived or less fortunate. Today I know of course that I had plenty of toys and things, and that I was too spoiled to recognize that I was actually very fortunate. Still, somehow a little residue of that feeling of not having enough as a child is still inside of me. And that feeling is what makes me raid the toy store every chance I get to make sure that Emma always has toys and stuff around her to make her feel happy. I want her to know that she is loved.

And believe me. I know how it sounds. Toys and things won't make a difference in the end and she will know that I love her no matter what. I still wants what is best for her, and since I buy into this whole idea around the holidays that she really needs more toys to be smart, successful, and happy, guess what's going to happen? Yep. More toys. Actually, Christmas is all about giving for me. I love to see everyone's faces when they open their presents. I love that feeling. I can just live on that high for months. I can't wait for Emma to be old enough to appreciate gifts and believe in Santa. I will do the whole cookie and milk thing and having Santa over on Christmas eve. It will just be fantastic. I am pretty sure she will be freaked out by Santa this year, but who isn't at that age? That's part of Christmas too. She will learn to love him like all other kids do.

I actually wish I had my store now. How cool would it be to buy a bunch of stuff for the store and start making well-deserved kids even happier? I can't wait. Also, I will naturally only get stuff that I like myself and that Emma plays with, of course. She will be my guinea pig in a way. I actually think that is the best way of going about this. You need to have someone try it out, and if they like it you have a good thing. I don't want to fall into the trap of getting something that I think look pretty or that I like. It has to pass the test of Emma. She is hilarious. She really is a good tester for these kinds of things. I know within minutes of she likes a toy or certain clothes. And that's good. It's guidance and I'll take it. I have done some more research now, and I even have my logo done. It's beautiful and I love it. It's exactly what I wanted. Next step is to do my business cards and start saving to buy the products.

I am actually looking for non-profit organizations and other companies that are interested in helping out a minority who is starting a new business. If any of you know a good place to apply for business grants, please let me know. Any help will be much appreciated. The sooner I start my dream the better...:0). Choosing a good hosting company is also a task and a hard one at that. I want to go with someone that is reliable and offers good support as well as has reasonable prices. I have been advised godaddy.com and joker.com. I need one that offers a shopping cart as my store will be entirely online.

Well, that's pretty much what has been occupying my time the last week or so. Christmas and the store :0). I have had other wonderful, beautiful, and absolutely amazing things happen, but I will leave that for another time and another post. In general, I am absolutely in love with my life and my family. I wake up every day feeling tired and slow to start the day. But the minute I walk into Emma's room and look at her smiling face I melt. There just isn't anything that can ever top that. And that's actually what makes me want to go to bed at night too. That feeling of being totally in love and know that someone loves me too...whole-heartedly and unconditionally.

Baby's best friend

Today I had a play date with a friend of mine and her daughter who is 9 months old. It was a joy to see them interact with each other. You can't really say that they are playing at that age because they are just sitting next to each other stealing each other's toys. However, they seem to have a lot of fun doing it. Mia and Emma are only 4 weeks apart, but they are so different. Seeing Emma play with her friend made me think about how it was when I first joined my playgroup here in the Bay Area. Emma was the biggest baby there, but she was behind on a lot of things like crawling, sitting up right, standing up, etc. Most of the babies in that group were doing a lot of stuff that Emma was no way near of doing. This prompted me to visit her doctor to make sure that Emma was doing OK developmentally.

Emma's doctor must have thought I was nuts, but she patiently listened to my concerns and explained that babies develop at different rates and that is perfectly normal. Of course I knew this already, and I am sure she must get tons of these visits every week. It got me wondering, though, if I am doomed to a life of worries. Am I a normal mom with normal every day worries, or am I being overprotective?

I think it is perfectly normal to worry about your baby and wanting to make sure she or he is doing well. And I also think it is perfectly normal to compare your baby to other babies because you need some kind of ongoing reassurance that she or he in deed are OK. I also think it can get a little tricky if your baby is being compared to every single baby out there because, let's face it, babies are different. And they in deed develop very differently. It wasn't until I stopped comparing Emma to all her friends that I truly started enjoying all her progresses.

Before I wanted her to start crawling faster and sit up faster by herself because "all the other kids can." When I finally let go of the need to compare her to everyone else, I interestingly enough started enjoying her steps as well as her missteps more. Emma is her own person. She shows me that every day. And the more I think about it the more I am convinced. Emma is her own person with her own unique abilities and strengths. She learns things in her own way at her own speed, and I need to celebrate her uniqueness instead of worrying so much. She will be fine, and today showed me that. I guess in the end a healthy dose of worry is in order, but don't forget to throw in a lot of fun and laughter in the mix as well.

True love...

I have noticed lately that it's not as easy to write when I am not inspired to write. Some days I just wake up feeling like crap. I don't know if it's a mother thing or just plain Jenny-thing, but today wasn't my favorite day of the year....

I was actually pretty excited about today. I knew Emma was going to the doctor's to get her shot, and I was going to my new hair stylist to do highlights, so the day was looking up. However, as soon as I opened my eyes, I just knew it wasn't going to be one of those days where I am jumping up and down with joy. I don't know if it's the weather, or the time change, or something else lurking. I just didn't feel up for anything. Emma hasn't made anything easier either. She just got her upper two teeth and is crankier than the crankiest at the moment. Nothing is fun for her and she's very fussy. On top of it all, we had a doctor appointment to get her 2nd dose of the flu shot. Emma's doctor is always busy and it's hard to get an appointment with her, so when one opened up I just grabbed it. Of course, it was right smack in the middle of Emma nap, so she didn't get her usual morning nap. And when she skips that one, she is usually in a pretty bad mood all day long....

Perhaps the day wasn't that bad after all. I am probably just in a foul mood today and take it out on poor Emma. It has to be ok, though. Some days you are just not feeling it, am I right? It's probably due to the lack of sleep. Emma has been waking several times in the middle of the night lately, and it is starting to wear me down. I can just feel how tired I am all the time. Yawning like crazy and I constantly feel too tired to even play with Emma. Starbucks has made a fortune out of me lately, so I guess it's good in somebody's eyes :0)....

Oh well, all days can't be good, I assume. As a mother, sometimes I feel like my days are controlled by the amount of naps Emma takes. If she skips any I know it's coming back to bite me in the butt. Pretty much my whole life evolves around Emma's naps and feeding schedule. Every time I make plans for something or someone, I have to do it in between Emma's naps but also make sure she eats before I leave the house. If she doesn't eat she gets cranky if whatever I am doing takes too long. So, basically I have a window of an hour or two where I can do things. Try to go to the bank, run to the post office, do grocery shopping, and get gas for the car in less that an hour. Not possible. Hence, there must be planning involved.

At the end of the day, though, when I am sitting here on my couch watching TV and blogging, I still feel like the luckiest person alive. Even though I have my moments when I am tired, grumpy, and overall in a bad mood, there's nothing that brightens up my day like a hug from Emma. And she knows exactly how to do it to make me feel special and happy again. It is true what they say. Children know how you feel. And I have started to notice how in tuned Emma has become of my mood. When I am moody and not in the mood to play, she becomes extra clingy and demanding. Almost like she knows that I need some cheering up. Even though her method of giving it to me is questionable, she still gets the point across. Mommy is sad so I need to give her love. And well, let's face it, nothing says love more than a 10-months old baby hanging on to your neck for dear life...

And I can feel it now. Even sitting here writing about my day that was anything but great -Emma has the best effect on me. I just need to think about her and see her in front of me and my lips start moving up. They simply can't help themselves. Even on the worst of days, bad plus bad always equal smile. That's how lucky I am.

She is indeed her mother's daughter, and to prove it I have a picture of us from Halloween. As I shared before, she was a ladybug and a real cutie at that too.

With love from us. Until next time...

Halloween

It's Halloween on Saturday, and it will be Emma's first Halloween. I have been searching high and low for the perfect Halloween costume for her, but I haven't been able to find the "right" one. There are a million to choose from, and to be honest, most of them are cute and adorable. Especially for girls you can find tons of princess outfits and characters from Disney movies. And I did buy a princess one first. It was pink and cute and all that. And somehow it didn't feel like Emma. I thought I wanted to dress her up as a princess, but now that I have the outfit I don't like it anymore.

So, yesterday I went to Target in search for something for her to wear on Saturday. To my surprise, they had a lot of costumes left. Both for adults as well as children. Right away my eyes fell on this adorable red and black lady bug costume. It was simply the cutest thing I have ever seen. It was a black dress with a red and black doted skirt. It came with wings and a head band and I just knew right away that I had to buy it. This was Emma for sure.

When I finally got home after lots of shopping (of course, while at Target you can't settle for just one thing and be on your way. There is always something else you really need...), I tried the lady bug costume on. It was for toddles from 12 months to 18 months so I thought it would fit. It just barely fit, and either Emma is a very big baby or they make these costumes for very small children. Either way, I need to get her a bigger size. So, it's back to Target today. Hopefully I will be able to stay on my mission and not get sidetracked with all the other things calling my name down the isles...

I'll post pictures of Emma later in her costume. I really hope that they have a larger size for her. And I hope we will have great weather on Saturday too. I would hate to have to cancel due to rain or bad weather. If we do have bad weather, we can always stay inside and just have fun at the house. I means there will be lots of adults too, and the kids can play while the parents hang out. It will be good. I am so curious to see how Emma does on her first Halloween. This is what I love about being mom and having a family. All these firsts and seconds and thirds with Emma that allow me to enjoy everyday of her life because there is always something going on. Something new to witness and take part of. Soon enough she will start walking, then it's preschool, regular school, dance shows, soccer practice, horse back riding, and everything else she will do. It will be amazing, and I can't wait. I really think this is what life is all about - having a family that makes you complete. Yep, I am happy. Life is good on this side of the world...:0)

One of those days...

The past few weeks have been very busy, and I find myself not having enough time to do what I set myself out to do. It's crazy around here with Emma's schedule, work, doctor appointments, gates ordering, lunch, dinner, grocery shopping, and everything else in between. I thought I had everything under control and felt pretty good about my somewhat organized life. Then Emma decided to start crawling and boom - end of freedom as I knew it.

Don't get my wrong. I love it. I love seeing Emma grow and progress and develop new skills. In fact, it is a cheer joy to see her figure new stuff out and then attempt to do them. She has been on her way to crawl for the longest time and then about a month ago she just took off. Now she is a real pro at crawling and decided last week that it was time to do something more daring and dangerous. I mean, why settle for crawling when you can stand up and walk between furniture? That way is much more fun plus I get to see mommy sweat while trying to catch me before I fall and hit the new and very hard hardwood floor....

Emma is definitely learning to test her limits. She understands "no," but has decided that it is more fun to despite me and go for all the things she's not allowed to do. Like crawling up to the fireplace and touch the very hot cover glass. Or crawl over to the stereo and pull out all of my favorite Cd's and DVDs. Or touch all the cords she can find in the entire house. Yep, she is becoming her own and it is a total delight. Of course, it makes it so much harder for me to do things when I constantly have to be next to her to prevent disaster from happening. Hence the beginning of my blog where I was starting to explain the infrequency of my blogs these days....

I always knew that this day would come. Emma would grow older and become more demanding. It is a given and every parent has to go through it. She is 10 months now, or will be tomorrow (Happy 10-month birthday, Angel!), and I am trying to figure out how to keep a semi normal life. Since I am now working between 3 and 6pm every day, it is imperative that Emma sleeps during those hours so I can work. Lately, she has not been sleeping much in the morning so she is very tired in early afternoon around 1pm or so. But since I work at 3pm and need her to nap then, I have to keep her up until that time. And that my friend is no easy task. She is cranky as ever, not wanting to eat or drink, and definitely not up for playing. My day in a nutshell. I do everything around her schedule because I truly believe that her routines are very important. I want her to have a sense of stability, and napping and keeping a somewhat regular schedule can help with that.

Although I am enjoying Emma's new found set of skills, I am also painfully aware of the fact that this situation is not getting better. It's actually getting worse. She's only crawling now. What will happen when she starts walking and running???? Crazy, crazy thought. Fortunately, my husband and I ordered gates for the stairs so we don't have to worry about her taking a head dive down the stairs anytime soon. That's a plus. Another plus is that while my husband is all of a sudden traveling every week leaving all the chores and household duties to me, he is home every weekend and do a lot of stuff around the house and spend time with Emma then. That allows me some time to regain some energy and focus on me for a bit. I like that.

Overall, it is a scary time ahead of us as Emma is getting more and more demanding, and everything is getting harder and harder to do. Sometimes I wonder what I got myself into because it sometimes feels as if the responsibilities are getting too heavy...too much. But of course in the midst of all the loud noise and poopy diapers I see Emma and love instantly fills my heart. She is simply adorable and her love for life is so contagious. I am the first to admit I am not the perfect parent I wanted to be before I got pregnant. Far from it. I have my days. Some days are better than others, but what I have learned is that it is ok to make mistakes and screw up sometimes. We all do. Moms are not perfect and we can't do it all. Sometimes we need help and it is ok to ask for it. It is also ok to admit when some things become too much. I praise my friends every day as they are always there for me supporting me and cheering me on through the tough parts.

I used to have this image of myself as a mom. I was perfect, the house was perfect and nothing would get to me. I would work, play with Emma, and just hang out. Reality looks a little differently. And I learned that the hard way. But we are good, Emma and I. We are bonding and learning from each other. And I like to think that all the stuff that I don't get to do like the laundry and making the bed are things that don't really matter in the end. Emma won't remember the laundry or anything else about the house. Hopefully she will remember her childhood as fun and exciting. As being loved and cared for by supportive parents. I guess thinking about those things from time to time is never a bad idea. We need to vent and air our verbal laundry as well. What I took away from today's busy day was the thought of appreciation in spite of challenges. It's so easy to get lost among the baby food jars and who's turn it is to change the poopy diaper, but when you are giving it your all and at the end of the day you can look yourself in the mirror and say: "Hey, today was a good day and tomorrow will be even better" then I guess you are not doing so bad after all...

Closing doors...

Last Friday I went to the movies with an old friend. As always after the movie we end up talking about the movie, life, and everything in between. It's great with friends like that. We can spend hours talking about life, the future, the past, the good, the hard, and everything else that's on our mind at the moment. Tonight especially I realized something important about myself...

Things at home have just kind of been going on their own for a while now, and I sometimes feel as if I am just tagging a long for the ride. Sometimes I wake up feeling like there's a couple of weeks missing of my life. Like I somehow "lost" them or something. Have you ever felt like that? Of course they were never "lost" but rather pushed back into the back of my conscious where I don't automatically think of them and where I can pull them from memory whenever I need them. My friend and I were talking about those weeks. It is pretty interesting how things tend to get monotone, or the same, after a while. When your in your daily routines, you might not even think about what you are doing because it is the same everyday. Breakfast in the morning, coffee, changing diapers, morning nap, shower, errands, lunch, afternoon nap, work....you get the picture.

Life seems to slip you by and all of a sudden you wake up 5 years later wondering where life went. The "lost" time is always there, of course. You just are not consciously aware of it. It gets coded in your memory and you know you were there and created it, but somehow it feels lost because you actually didn't live it... I have talked about this before - living in the present. And I think it is worth mentioning again. My friend and I discussed how fast time has passed this year. Emma is almost 10 months and going on a year. So much has happened since she was born. I have changed a lot too. I am a mother now. Making different choices and having different priorities now. I have closed many doors on the past. Lost some friends and gained some new ones. Changed jobs. Moved from one house to another. From one city to another...

As we go through life we close many doors. Some are voluntary and some are not. Living in the present and staying true to your goals and dreams are natural ways of closing doors to the past. We all make choices based on the probability of gaining more happiness and freedom. We want to evolve and make things better...easier. And in order to do that, sometimes we have to let other things go. Like friends. Or hobbies. Or old selves. I had a little realization as my friend and I talked about letting things go and being ok with that. Sometimes you have to let some things go in order to make room for new things in your life. And that is ok. Being a mom means I have less time for myself. And I think that is ok. I want to spend time with Emma. As much as I can, in fact. I don't like being away from her. And that means that I don't have as much time to go to the gym, for example. And that's a choice. I sometimes miss my old carefree life where I could go to the movies whenever I wanted or go to the gym right after work. Today I have to consider Emma in all my choices, and that can feel a little daunting at first. What ever happened to me?

Well, I am still here. I am just choosing differently for myself. And as much as I appreciate the freedom to do whatever I want whenever I want, I wouldn't trade my place for anything. Because I am different now, and I am still in control of my life and my future. So, even though it feels as if I've closed the doors on many things from my past lately, and I sometimes feel sentimental about it and miss my old life, I am ok with that. Because I know that changing is a part of life, and I know from experience that when one door closes there's always another one that opens...

Fall

So, yesterday we had both an earthquake and a storm. Talk about adventure in the suburbia. Our house shook for a moment, but it wasn't too bad. It is kind of scary how much we have grown accustomed to the quakes in this area. When I first moved here, I was too afraid to leave the bed after an earthquake. Now I just shake my shoulders and say: "It wasn't bigger than a 4." Can you imagine a world where we just get used to things like that happen? I guess we are kind of already there in a way. We all talk about the earthquakes and the storms like they are big things, but we also tend to forget about them as soon as they have passed...


When the first storm of the season arrives, it usually marks the beginning of fall. Just last week we had 80 degrees plus, then the storm came and brought down the temperature. Now it is up again to around 70's or so. Not too shabby for mid October, if I may say so. But fall is definitely here, and I can tell that Emma really likes this kind of weather. She has the biggest smile on her face when we are outside, and she keeps talking to the wind, as if "they" are big friends already. I have a Halloween outfit picked out for her, she is going to be a Disney princess (so cute), and we've already made plans to go over to our play date friend's house and spend Halloween there. I am not really sure how you go trick or treating with a 10 month old, but I am sure it will be fun. The adults will probably bake cute Halloween cookies and make some traditional Holiday feast. Either way, it will be fun because it will be Emma's first, and I can't wait to see her in her dress.

This year has been so many firsts that I get overwhelmed sometimes. It is so exciting to see her grow and develop in all her areas. Her newest thing she has learned is to give kisses. If I ask her if mommy can have a kiss, she leans towards me with an open mouth and kiss me on my lips. Soooo adorable. She hasn't quite got the part where she is supposed to close her mouth before the kiss, but she will get there eventually :0). She is just the cutest in the way she is giving a way kisses from left to right these days. It is memories like this you want to keep inside forever...


Both my husband and I felt we needed to get out of the house after work today, and what better place to go to when it is cold outside and rain is hanging in the air than Starbucks? It felt great to be outside and feel the cool breeze and then snuggle up inside your favorite coffee place. Emma had her Cheerios and we had our lattes. Life felt pretty complete, I must say. When we got back home, we turned on the TV to Comedy Wednesday, lit the fireplace, and spend the rest of the evening laughing.

Here's a picture of my little princess in her favorite summer dress last week. I guess it was the last time she will ever wear it, so I wanted to make the memory last. Isn't she super cute?

Hope you guys are enjoying fall as well.

Until next time....

Birthday fun

It has been light years (or at least it has seemed like that) since I last wrote, and I would like to apologize for that. I have been practically chain to my bed with some kind of virus. In fact, my whole family got it, and we kept flipping coins to see who felt worse....

Emma was actually so bad we had to go to the ER at one time. Luckily she's all better now thanks to the antibiotic she got. My husband and I are finally feeling better as well, so things are looking up for the Vukovcan family :0). My husband and I both felt so relieved to be over this virus thing that we went to Chili's tonight to celebrate. Do you know they have that $20 thing where you can get one appetizer, two main courses, and one dessert for only 20 bucks?!!! Let me tell you it is a steal. And, you always eat too much. Of course when you are there you just have to have the Chocolate Molten Lava Cake for dessert....What visit to Chili's would be complete without that?! Anyway, here's a photo of Emma waiting so nicely for her food to arrive (all the way from my diaper bag...)

Isn't she just the cutest thing you have ever seen? My baby, I am so proud of her. Oh, by the way, I forgot to tell you that I entered her in to the Gap Challenge Casting Call. I am convinced that Emma will win it hands down because she is simply the cutest babe ever, and she would make a perfect Baby Gap Model. It is a fun thing to participate in, and if it doesn't happen this time, I am confident it will someday soon. I so confident in this that I am thinking about taking her to a model agency. After all, she's already a model in our lives. We are clicking away with our camera like mad people, so she's got already got the experience. It would be a super fun thing to try out for sure. Of course she will be the leading model for Tittut Baby too, that is a given.

Oh, I can't wait to get started with Tittut Baby. I am like a kid waiting for Christmas eve jumping up and down on the bed not being able to contain herself. I just want to be there - already started and up and running. Wouldn't that be something? Me and Emma take on the world...

What sparked my excitement today was a trip to Gymboree. That store is fabulous. It is as simple as that. Monkey pants, monkey jumpers, cutest holiday dresses, and you name it. I wanted to buy the whole store. Since money has been running low lately, I had to contain myself and keep to the sales corner, but still...And that's what I want Tittut Baby to be too. Filled with stuff that you can't keep your hands off. You just want to buy and buy and buy (can you tell I am a shopaholic just waiting to be set free...) Right now there is nothing new with Tittut Baby, though. My wonderful cousin is still working on the logo and her beautiful cards, my friend Dani has not started with the website yet, and I haven't ordered any products yet. I am thinking 2010 will be a good year to get started.

Speaking of Tittut Baby and babies. Today Emma, my husband and I went to our first play date birthday party. One of Emma's newest friends, Calista, turned one today. All the girls from Emma's playgroup were there, so it was like a giant playgroup only with a lot of cookies and cake. Joey was there too, and this time my husband got to see Emma and Joey interact first hand. They were cute as ever. Emma looked so cute in her new monkey dress (yes, it's from Gymboree...) and polka dot tights. She has gotten so many friends by now, and it is so nice to see them play with each other.

My husband and I got the laugh of our lives there when one two-year-old girl came into the room with two cookies in her hand. She sat down next to Emma, but boy, did she regret that or what. Emma spotted the cookies in the little girls hand and took off like a canon. She crawled over to the girl faster than a speeding bullet. She might have gotten away with it if she hadn't crawled with her mouth fully open as if the cookie was already in her mouth. The little girl saw Emma's batman moves and quickly went over to her dad to take cover while holding the cookies high above her head so Emma couldn't reach them. Emma, being my daughter and all, didn't let herself get discouraged, so she took after her still with her mouth wide open. The little girl realized she was in trouble and ran out of the the room still holding the cookies high above her head while screaming "Nooooo!!! Noooo!!!" Yeah, it was a funny moment, and I am still laughing about it. The girl's dad looked at Emma after his daughter left and said: "She is persistent, isn't she?" And Neno and I could only nod our heads in agreement....

All the dads chose to watch sports while the moms were playing with the kids....or rather preventing them from fighting with each other. Emma gave me cuddles every now and then, and as a mom, you take the kisses and hugs when you get them. You never know when the next time will be....

Since my camera just quit on me again, I think it is time to go for now. Over all the week has been great with an even greater ending. Emma is in a phase right now where she is protesting a lot and wants to bite me as soon as I am trying to correct her for misbehaving. Today was a great reminder that she, in spite of having a terrible temperament, is the love of my life and that I feel like the luckiest woman on the planet for having her in my life. Sure, we fight and don't see eye to eye on all things, but no matter how mad she might be, she always end up hugging and kissing me later. Because I am her mom after all, and she might not agree with me on everything, but I am the one who provide her with safety, love, and room to explore the world. And even Emma, who is only 9 months old, knows that that is what really matters in the end....

Until next time....

Living in the moment...

It wasn't as easy to write about staying present as I had thought it would be. Lots of thoughts and things to reflect upon, though. I hope you will find some of this stuff interesting and perhaps even relating to your own life...

Living in the moment has always been a personal challenge for me. I am one of those people who get very excited about things, and I tend to live in the future more than in the present. I always set many goals for myself and work step by step toward attaining each and every one of them. Today I am proud to say that I have achieved every single goal I have ever set for myself. I finished school, I got a degree in Psychology, I moved to the US, I got married, I bought a house, I started my own business, and I had Emma.

Having goals and something to look forward to was kind of my reason for living in a way. The last goal I set for myself was becoming pregnant and having a baby. I thought that becoming a mom would be the end destination, and I would finally be able to rest and stay grounded. But what happened was while I was pregnant with Emma, I felt like I lost my calling in a way. I had been so focused for so many years on becoming pregnant that once I was there, I was done. I had reached my ultimate goal. So, now what? Naturally as a Life Coach I was looking for my next goal and the best path to achieve it, but I wasn't able to find it. I simply had no idea of where to go from there...

This realization kept my up many nights. Having goals and something to strive for had been my identity for so long , and now that I finally achieved everything on my list, in a weird way I felt more lost than ever before. I kind of lost the essence of Jenny, if that makes sense. So, on one hand I had fulfilled my dream of becoming a mother to this beautiful and wonderful baby girl. On the other hand, I had lost my soul or my very essence as my dreams and goals for the future no longer dominated my life.

As time passed and Emma grew older, I noticed I started getting excited about things again. I was looking forward to getting out of the house. I was looking forward to our trip back to Sweden this Christmas, and I was also looking forward to all the play dates I signed up for. But most of all, I was looking forward to starting my new business, Tittut Baby. And I realized something very important right there. The goals, i.e. the future, are great to have because they fulfill a purpose and serve as a sense of direction. And it's equally important to live in the moment and appreciate what is now because that's where the journey is. I need my goals to feel whole and complete. But I also need to learn to live right here and now because that's where life takes place. If I always look forward and always dream about what's coming next, I will miss out on everything that's going on in this very moment.

As I was practising this realization earlier today, I looked over at Emma where she was playing on the living room floor. The moment my eyes met hers I knew that I had got it. There's just no question about living in the moment when you're with your children. They are forcing you to stay fully present whether you want or not. Children are masters of living in the moment. For them there is simply nothing but the present. Everything they want and need is right here. Tat is truly a magical gift, and I hope that it's something that Emma will learn to keep as she grows older.

As for me, who knows? Right now all I know is that I am able to stay fully present with her while I am also dreaming about and planning for my business. I guess the trick is to appreciate the present like you do when you are with your children, and when the kids are off to bed, like Emma is now :0), dive into your goals and all the other exciting things you have planned for the future...

Challenge

I wrote a long blog today about staying present and living in the moment. For some reason everything just disappeard and all my text was gone. I took it as a sign to stop writing and go to bed :0).

I will write something tomorrow on the topic, but before I go I thought I'd post a challenge for you guys. As you know, I am in the process of starting my own business and fulfilling a dream and long time goal of mine. Perhaps you have been thinking about a a dream or a goal you would like to accomplish too? Next week I am going to post a coaching process for you about how to set a powerful goal, becoming congruent, and how to attain it most effectively. Why don't you set a goal for yourself and do the process with me? We can be one of those goal buddies. We can share stories and learn from each other. Wouldn't that be fun? So until next time, think of something you would really like to do, create, or have and we'll pick up from there next week. I don't know about you, but I am getting excited again....:0)

Swine flu and play dates

Have you guys thought about the swine flu at all? Well I have, and I tell you, I am pretty spooked. I keep debating with myself whether I should have Emma vaccinated or not. One of Emma's doctors told me it is totally up to me and the he does not recommend nor discourage either way. When I went for her 9-month check up, that doctor said I should definitely vaccinate her. So, I have two opinions, and I am not sure which one to choose...

On the one hand, this H1N1 virus is spreading like a fire, it can be deadly, and children are especially prone to getting it. On the other hand, there are so many debates at the moment stating the vaccine can potentially cause a lot of problems such as autism, and there is no guarantee that Emma won't get the virus even though she has been vaccinated. While Emma's doctor assured me that there is no known link between autism and vaccinations, it still makes me think twice about it since we are going to Sweden for Christmas and airplanes are known germ collectors. What are your thoughts about the topic?

On to another more fun topic...baby skills. Or should I say baby aerobics. Emma turned 9 months yesterday, and she is just getting bigger and bigger. She amazes me every single day as she is learning more and more skills. She must be learning new skills in her sleep because every day she is doing something new. She has been almost crawling for weeks now but hasn't quite got it yet. Then yesterday, she all of a sudden started to crawl and did it flawlessly :-). And while she was doing it she was looking at me as if she was saying: "What was the big fuss about? I can do this in my sleep..." And she sure can. She's also pulling herself up to standing position very easily by now, and she's even taking a few steps while holding on to things, but she's not quite ready to let go yet.

She is getting used to her new play group too, and she has even gotten a boyfriend. Or that's what we moms in the group like to call him. Joey is an 8-month old super cute guy in Emma's play group, and Emma simply loves him. He is actually the only guy in the group, so you can imagine that he gets a lot of attention from all the girls. Every time Emma sees him, she crawls/scoots over to him and lean in as if she wants to give him a kiss. And bless his heart he's just sitting there letting her do all the work. It is so cute to see. I even have a picture of it, but since my camera is not working, I guess it has to wait until another time...

As I was watching Emma interact with Joey today, I thought about how times have changed. Emma doesn't know any rules or social etiquette of how she is "supposed" to behave. She only knows what she wants and she's going for it. It is very refreshing to see. What if we grown ups were more like children in this sense and went for things we wanted instead of letting fears and limiting beliefs hold us back? Aside from the obvious potential of total chaos, imagine what the world would look like if we all went for what we wanted and didn't let anyone tell us we couldn't do it or didn't deserve it. I am thinking the world would look pretty different. And I am thinking we would be a lot happier too....

Yikes, am I raising a bully?

Emma and I went to a play date yesterday, and while I enjoy meeting all the other moms and see Emma interact with the other kids, I am beginning to see a whole different side of Emma and quite frankly, it is kind of scary....

Emma is a big baby, that is a fact. Her doctor says she is just right and follows her developmental path, which is a great thing. I heard from the get go not to compare her to other children her age because they are all different and develop differently depending on their genes. Well, with that said, Emma is still a large baby. She is in the 99th percentile for her height and 81 percentile for weight.

When I went to our weekly play group yesterday, I (of course) compared her to the other babies there. And she is twice their size. Twice their size!!! Can you imagine. There was only one boy there, and he is about a month younger than Emma, and she is even bigger than him. And he is considered very large for his age. In addition to her size she is kind of a bully too. She just crawled over (or more specifically scooted over) to the other kids and keep stealing their toys. If they didn't give them up right away, she sat on them until they gave up and handed them over. None of the other kids did that. They played quietly in their corner and minded their own business. Emma even took their binky right out of their mouths and put it in hers like it was the most natural thing in the world. Then of course the other kids started crying and all of a sudden we had an orchestra of crying babies and one happy Emma....

While some moms there thought this was hilarious, it honestly worried me a little. Am I raising a bully or is she just expressing her independent self? One mom there sensed my worry and kindly said: "You will never have to worry about Emma because she will be able to take care of herself." And then she made a hulk-face, flexed her biceps and laughed...If this was any other kid, it would be kind of a funny story. But when it's your own baby, you have a tendency as a mom to paint the worst picture. And guess what I was painting? Emma going berserk in school and winning the "worst bully award"! I want Emma to be socialized and well-behaved when she plays with other children. I want her to have a bunch of friends too, and I am pretty sure that most friendships among girls will end when there's too much sitting and wrestling going on. Luckily, the other moms in the play group are fun and easy going. Most of them are first time moms like me, so there's quite a bit of understanding and empathy going on.

As I drove home a few hours later I thought about how to handle this situation in the future. I concluded that while I want Emma to grow up to be independent and empowered, I also want her to be sensitive and understanding to other people's needs. The answer was pretty obvious when I looked at her. I know that the responsibility lays completely on me and my husband. We need to be what we want her to be. After all, we all learn from observing, and if my husband and I are good role models, always consistant in our behaviors, and come from a place of love and support, I think we are going to be alright...

Someday on Oprah....

So, I am in the process of starting this new and fantastic business, right? And I am the first to admit that I am not very computer savvy. It has been known that I also tend to get a little frustrated from time to time when the technical part of my everyday living is not performing to its potential. For instance, I was just trying to upload a bunch of pictures of Emma into the computer and even share one or two with you, but the camera keep saying communication error. Isn't that annoying? I can't upload a thing at the moment. My computer has been acting out lately and preventing me from doing my work properly, and I can't help but to wonder if it is just time to get a new computer...one that will go very well with the new iPhone I hope Santa will get me this year...:0)

Speaking of Santa, my husband and I just decided to go back to Sweden for Christmas. Christmas is my favorite time of the year, and every year it keeps getting better and better. Now that Emma is born, I can't wait to buy her Christmas gifts, wrap them up, and see her face when Santa comes...Christmas is simply Christmas and I don't want to spend a minute of it without my family back in Sweden. Every time we spend Christmas away from our family back home it is never really Christmas. So we made an executive decision to go back this year since it is also Emma's first birthday in December, and we definitely don't want her family to miss out on that...

While I'm there, I will of course also do some business and scout out some potential suppliers for the baby products I want to import. I have already decided what products I am going to start off with, but I am not quite sure which suppliers to use yet. There is an ocean of things out there, and I really want to narrow down the product selection. I will not be one of those stores that sells everything. On the contrary, I will be the store where you can buy a select few of very special items that might be hard to find else where. The whole process of starting my own business is very time consuming but oh so much fun. How do you guys like the name, Tittut Baby, by the way? Tittut means Peek-a-boo in Swedish and since it is Emma's favorite game, I think it is perfect.

So to make a long story short, in between all the diaper changes, feedings, picking up all the spilled (thrown)food from the floor, dishes, laundry, grocery shopping, and you name it, I do manage to squeeze in a minute or two for planning the business. And every time I look at Emma I get so inspired about the future and what will come next. I mean, I am planning on having Oprah on speed dial, that's how successful I intend to be. Isn't it great to have so much passion for something that every time you wake up you can't wait to start another day?

Yep, that's me. And Emma of course. Because ultimately she is the inspiration for all of this. Since I became a mom my world has changed. And I know it sounds so cliche, but it is true. I used to live in the future and always looked at what was coming next. And while I still look forward to a lot of things (as with my new business for example), I am also able to enjoy every day and cherish simple moments that used to pass me without reflection. I like to say that I live more consciously now because every moment is precious. Being with Emma every day forces me to be in the moment like nothing else, and she keeps reminding me of what's ultimately important and who I am doing this for. So I guess I need her to help keep me grounded. Because I know in my heart that once I am grounded and in that place of infinite inspiration, I can create miracles and do things I never thought possible. We all can. And even though Emma plays a big part in that, I also know that that is all me...

The two musketeers...

Ok, here I am again. It is late, I am up, Emma's a sleep, and I tell ya, this blogging thing is addictive. I have so much to share. I start writing a little bit, and all of a sudden, I have written an entire chapter or close to, anyway. Mostly my thoughts coming out, but also some tips and ideas about stuff.

Most of the stuff comes from Emma. She is hilarious. Everyday she does something funny and totally new. She started sitting up by herself about a month ago, and I am simply amazed by how good she is at that now. She can get up to sitting from any position and she does it fast too. She is also crawling or what ever you call it when she's pushing herself forward with her arms while her body is still on the ground. She is also climbing on me and furniture like a monkey. I call her that now - my monkey. She likes that because every time I say that to her she smiles. Her smile is just the most beautiful smile I have ever seen. I can see in her eyes that she smiles from there. Have you ever thought about that? Most people smile with their mouth. Almost all babies smile with their eyes. You can tell they are sincere.

Today I went to Ikea because I had an errand in a neighboring town and Ikea was just there. I ended up spending a fortune on toys for her, but I don't care. I just love to watch her interact with her toys and when she figures stuff out. She has all these funny conversations with her toys too. They have like this secret language that only they understand. Emma is very involved with their conversations and they can go on for hours sometimes. Every now and then she turns to me as if she is explaining what is being discussed and I love it. I just sit back and watch her feeling like the luckiest person alive.

Emma and I have grown very close these last few weeks when my husband has been away on business. It has been very challenging and trying in many ways, but it has also ultimately been allowing us to get to know each other on a whole new level. I sometimes feel like we are the two musketeers - all for one one for all.....us against the world or something. It is nice. I would love to find out what she is saying, though, and I can't wait for her to start taking for real. Children have this amazing ability to stay open minded about things, and I love that about them. They do not judge people or hold back. They simply are who they are without excuses. I think we might all have something to learn about that....

It was just one of these mornings...

Hi there,

I woke up to a beautiful morning today. The sun outside my window found its way through the blinds and slowly warmed up the room. Emma slept in for once (she gives mommy a break every once in a while :0), and I was just laying in bed feeling so lucky and blessed. I felt so happy that my husband was home from his trip and that the entire family was back together again. Emma woke up shortly after I woke up, and we all snuggled up in bed and hung out for a bit. In my book, there is just nothing better than family time in the morning because it really sets the mood for the rest of the day. And today the mood is set for great :0).

I tell you, life is pretty exciting over here. We are keeping so busy every day and there is always something fun and exciting going on. For example, Emma and I were filmed for a short commercial yesterday. One of my closest friends here were filming a commercial for her acupuncture practice, and since she helped me get pregnant with Emma, she wanted us to be in the commercial. Emma did great and everyone fell in love with her of course. Come to think of it, this might be a good career for her. She could be America's Next Top Baby Model (lol).

Speaking of baby models, I am currently in the process of starting a new business and I am so excited I am about to burst :0). Before Emma (I like to say I lived one life before her and started another after she was born), I used to be a Life Coach where I helped my clients overcome obstacles and achieve different goals. Since I had Emma, my priorities have changed, and I really want to do something that will allow me to work and stay home with her at the same time. I want Emma to be a part of the new business too, so it will be something we can create together.

A friend of mine opened a Swedish online baby store in Chile and she has done quite well for herself. I was originally planning to open a regular baby store here in the US, but with the economy and people being more busy these days, an online store is an even better idea. Who knows about moms lack of time to shop better than me? I have also been searching high and low for high quality baby products and toys here in the US, and there are simply not that many to choose from. Tittut Baby (Peek-a-boo baby) was born out of the desire to find high quality baby products and not being able to find them here.

So, naturally, opening an European online baby boutique seems to be the obvious choice for me at this time. I will sell Swedish and German wooden baby toys, along with other Swedish baby products, and I just know it is going to be fantastic. Woohoo!! :0).

I will fill you in along the way on everything that is happening with the store as well as when it is ready for take off. Like I said before, life is pretty exciting at my end of the world...:0)

Reconnecting with old self

So, here I am again. Up late, tired, and ready for bed. I was planning on going to bed early tonight, but an old friend called who I haven't talked to in ages, and all of a sudden a couple of hours went by and here we are...

Talking to my friend actually reminded me of how much I have missed her. Somewhere along the way between work, buying a house, and being pregnant, I lost contact with a lot of my old friends. Having a baby is wonderful and heavenly and super duper in all possible ways, AND it is also so easy to fall behind on the life you used to call yours once the baby is born. You are so consumed by everything baby as well as sleep deprived and just in general not in shape to go out for more than a couple of hours at a time. Yet you promised yourself and all your friends that nothing would change once the baby was born. You will still be you....yeah, I am still me with less sleep, more saggy body parts, and less me-time. Talking to my friend today reminded me that it doesn't have to be that way.

Sometimes all it takes is a phone call and a friendly voice saying "I have missed you, Jenny" that makes all the difference in the world. I guess the point of the story is that things in life do change. Friends have babies, some move away, and some just move on to bigger and better things. But even if your friendship started out on a different platform, it is still the same friend. And you still have everything in common that you had before. You just have an extra thing to talk about now. So, I am making a promise to myself to reconnect with old Jenny more often and allow myself to leave mommywood heaven from time to time. And I am giving myself permission to be OK with that too.

Before I go, a quick update on Emma after her well-check today. You will be happy to know that Emma is healthy as a horse. She weighs 20,6 lbs and she's 29 inches tall (the nurse measured 30 inches, but I though that was too much and took her measurement again at home and as it turns out, she is only 29 :0). She is in the 99th percentile for her length and 81 for her weight. The doctor said "She is a BIG baby," and I nodded in agreement. And she is a happy one too. The only shot she got was the flu shot and she didn't even cry once. I was so proud of her my heart could burst....:0)

Natti natti

Preparing for a busy day

Naturally since I was up late last night, I was very tired when Emma woke me up this morning. She has for some reason decided that 6 am is a good time to get up and get busy. So I did what any normal sleep deprived mom would do. I picked her up and put her in my bed hoping she would fall asleep again. But no such luck. She was ready to take on the day so I had no choice but to get up.

As I put on a pot of extra strong coffee, she also decided it was a good time to make the poop of the century (yeah, sorry if this offends anyone). Since her bowel movements are anything but regular, I was happy that she at least had one today. This one in particular was a little yucky. By the time I had changed her diaper she had poop everywhere. Her upper arms, legs, hair, and I even managed to get some on the walls (and how it ended up there is a mystery).

Now we are both happy, clean and ready for the day. Today is Emma's 9-month check-up, and I can't say I am really looking forward to it. I actually love going to her doctor and check her weight and height and make sure that she is following her normal development, but the shots....uj uj uj, the shots. When she gets them she starts crying like crazy and just looks at me like she is wondering why I am doing this to her....it is heartbreaking. My natural instinct is to pick her up and yell at the mean lady (the nurse) to stop, but I have to bite my tongue and stay strong for Emma. Needless to say, Emma gets a lot of treats, kisses, and cuddles throughout the rest of the day. Ah, the perks of motherhood. Keep your fingers crossed that she will pass her check-up with flying colors :0)

And oh, before I go, I thought I'd post one of my favorite pictures of Miss Emma. Doesn't she look adorable?

Biggest Loser

So, since I am new to the blogging world, I realize that I have to get a hang of a few things before I can have that super cute and welcoming blog that everyone else seems to have. And while I am learning to navigate through this jungle of buttons and archives, I thought I'd give you my two cents about the season start of Biggest Loser. And you will find that I do this from time to time. I am the first to admit it. I am a show-addict and my Tivo is currently set to record 25 shows. Yes, it is true. Now you are probably wondering how I have time to watch anything with a wild 8-month old at home and a new business starting up....

The answer is a lot of sleepless nights. A lot. And I mean that in a good way. Since I am a night owl, I can't wait for the clock to turn 8pm (when most of the shows start for the evening) and the house to go quiet. It is just me and the TV (and a pouty husband who is mumbling something about missing playoffs).

Anyway, back to Biggest Loser. Even before I became a mom, I have always been very close to tears. I cry when I see a cute commercial about lion cubs, and I am always the first one to cry in the movie theatre. Just ask any of my friends. Naturally, I was balling my eyes out on the season premiere of Biggest Loser where one of the contestants lost her whole family to a drunk driver. I felt so bad for her, and I couldn't even imagine being in her shoes and surviving that kind of pain.

But then I looked over to the baby monitor and saw my beautiful Emma in her crib. She looked so peaceful and carefree that it shook me right out of fear mode. After all, we are all going through our own definition of "pain" and "challenges," and at the end of the day what really counts is what is left. I believe the woman in Biggest Loser is very strong and empowered and has a higher purpose in mind. She could have easily gone the other way, but she chose to stay and fight. And in that moment I realized something. I don't even know her and I was so proud of her. I was proud of her accomplishments. I would like Emma to grow up feeling that accomplished and proud of herself too. So, I just made a promise to myself to cherish everything Emma does and never downplay her or let her believe she is less than she is. I want her to know that she is amazing, beautiful, and that she can be and do anything she wants. Who knew that an episode of Biggest Loser could be so therapeutic?

Good night and sleep tight.

Welcome to Tittut Baby!

Hi there,

And welcome to my life and to the ups and downs of motherhood heaven. I just have to say how excited I am to write this blog. First of all, I have always loved to write. It just feels really natural, and it is a great way to get stuff out. Second, Emma is now 8 months old, and she is changing so much every day that I just had to get started writing and documenting her life and our life together. Before I know it she will be a teenager wanting to go to parties and hating my guts for not letting her....

This blog will be an in depth look at my life as a wife, friend, and stay at home mom. I will share all my crazy, weird, inspirational, and laugh out funny moments. I will even talk about my journey to starting a new baby business. After all, life is pretty amazing, and I feel so blessed to have what I have - my health, a wonderful husband, huge network of friends, and of course Emma :-)

Enjoy!